Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Tide is High and I'm Holdin' On

How high's the water Papa? Well, it's not 2 feet high and risin' like the Johnny Cash song but it's getting there. As you can see Barbie decided to go for a dip. We don't even have swimwear for her. I'm so ashamed. I can't help but harken back to the words of my house inspector as he was looking around my soon to be new basement.

"Wow, looks great. Dry as a bone. No signs of previous moisture. I bet you'll never have a problem down here."

Wrong shit for brains. We've got problems. And not just mental ones. We've been in the house for 3 weeks and it looks like we're headed for insurance claim #1. My agent is going to love me. On top of that my son has asthma and allergies so I'm sure a swimming pool in the basement will have a great effect on his respiratory system. Shoot me.

I've called every place that would have a water pump and they've all told me the same thing.

"You're not the only one with water in their basement. We're all out of sump pumps."

Why am I not comforted by being in the majority?

Monday, March 29, 2010

Bunny Ruse

 I'm having a hard time playing up the Easter Bunny to my kids. First of all I'm a terrible liar. Secondly I was never a huge fan of his work. I don't think I ever believed that he was hopping down the bunny trail to deliver me Peeps and Topps baseball cards. However an elf living in the North Pole with a team of flying reindeer seemed more plausible to me. Plus he brought kick ass stuff. The Easter Bunny never brought video games or a new bike.I just didn't want to crush my Mother's enthusiasm for the holiday so I let the charade continue until I was about 17. I put a stop to it when I started getting magazine subscriptions and athletic socks nestled in the phony plastic grass of my Easter basket.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Wild Kingdom

OK. So I'm not exactly a photojournalist but here is evidence that I now live in the sticks. The first one is the rear end of a fox. I would have gotten a shot of his face but I was so stunned to see him trot out of the woods and past my car that I fumbled with the camera for a few seconds. Did I mention that he had something dead dangling out of his mouth? Wonderful. I think the last time I saw a fox was in a Disney movie.

The second shot is one of 2 exotic ducks that my neighbor is raising. You heard me. Pet ducks. They actually have a little shed next to their pond for them. A duck house I guess. The kids love 'em. They wander from my neighbors pond to ours throughout the day. Our black Lab watches them hungrily from behind our fence. I have nightmares that he'll escape one day, jump in the pond and rip their throats out.

"Hi, we just moved in next door. Really nice to meet you but I have some bad news. Sorry but our dog murdered your super-exotic probably really expensive ducks. I thought I'd bring them over in case you wanted to perform a ceremony or something. By the way, do you know a good pediatrician in town?"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

City planning gone wrong

I took my preschool side kick for a ride this afternoon to explore our surroundings a bit. After some rolling hills and pastoral landscapes we stumbled upon a little strip mall in the neighboring town with an unfortunate grouping of stores. From right to left: A scuzzy dive bar called Skrewy Lewys (actual spelling), a gun shop advertising Glocks (on sale!) and a law office (insert lawyer joke here). I'm not the best Catholic in the world but really?! If the mall had a name would it be the Seven Deadly Sins Plaza?

Monday, March 22, 2010

And now let me introduce myself. My name is Humpty...

Three weeks ago I quit my job, moved my family to a new town where we know absolutely no one and began a brand new life. It should be terrifying but instead I find myself insanely happy. It helps that I'm not working. I'm currently sponging off of my wife who's bringing home the bacon while I run around doing self indulgent things like starting a blog about myself! Oh, and I'm a stay-at-home Dad. Stay tuned.