Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Sun Baked Brain

Today was the kids last day of swim instruction at the lake. Hurrah! If you're scoring at home that's four straight weeks - five days a week and at least 3 hours per day. I was no math major in college but that's like...1,300 hours in the sun or something. Now don't get me wrong...I love the beach as much as anyone but 20 straight days of anything gets to be drudgery.

The good news is that I look like George Hamilton (only more dashing). The downside is that I've been neglecting my chores at home so as a result I have weeds in my front yard that are quite literally seven feet tall. The other drawback is that I think the sun has been warping my brain. Instead of reading a good novel or trying to do some soul searching to figure out what my next career move should be, what did I do with my alone time?  I've compiled the following list is what I've done:

Things I Hate:
  1. Clowns
  2. Deli meats
  3. Ketchup
  4. Ethan Hawke 
  5. Cats and usually the people who love them
  6. Earnest motivational speakers
  7. Barbara Streisand and her husband for exhibiting poor judgment
  8. Anyone who messes with my wife or my kids
  9. The New York Post
  10. The Red Sox
  11. The word "taint"
  12. Oatmeal - no matter how good Wilfred Brimley tells me it may be.
  13. People who never take their Bluetooth off (you're walking on the sidewalk fella!)
  14. Nancy Grace
  15. Fast food of all kinds except McDonald's vanilla milkshakes which are heaven in a cup
  16. Toddler beauty pageants
  17. The mothers or fathers (OK who are we kidding) the mothers who enter their toddlers in beauty pageants
  18. Black licorice
  19. 3-D movies
  20. Limp handshakes
  21. White collar workers who think they're superior to their plumber (or any other blue collar worker)
  22. People who refer to themselves in the third person without a trace of humor (athletes are the big offenders here)
  23. Needlessly colorized classic movies(essentially all of them)
  24. John Tesh and his smooth jazz cronies (this means you too Kenny G)
  25. The harpsichord

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I love my job, i love my job, i love my job...

I repeated that mantra as my daughter and I locked horns today.

Here's what my lovely 5 year-old miscreant did today:
  • Demanded her special Hello Kitty plate after her eggs were presented to her on a "regular" plate. A screaming match ensued.
  • Threw sand at her brother at the beach
  • Smooshed her brother's sand castles with temerity
  • Talked back countless times
  • Refused to share
  • Was generally argumentative
  • Was all-around obnoxious
However now she is asleep on the couch and looks like an angel. She also made me a bead necklace that says "DAD." What is it with girls this age? They swing so violently from love to disdain. I never had girls around growing up so this is all new to me. You ladies are a complicated species. I can't wait until she's 14. Shoot me.
Did I mention that my son was fantastic today? Little boys are like Labradors and little girls are like...aggravating.