We're a Disaster

It's never a good sign when two officials with clipboards knock on your door and ask if they can asses your damage. What damage were they talking about? Emotional, physical, mental? Before I could ask I saw their ID - Ah, they were from FEMA and talking about our flood damage and not the damage I'm causing as a parent. Whew! I wasn't in trouble. Better yet, it looked like the government was gonna write me a check. Why should I be the only one left out, right? They'll just print more anyway. So what if my kids futures are compromised because of the crushing debt our country is heaping onto their backs. But I digress.

The FEMA guys seemed downright disappointed that I didn't have even more damage. They kept dreaming up disaster scenarios that could have happened.

"You got a bathroom down here? No? Well that's good because you mighta had a sewage back up and then you woulda had real problems."

Yeah, free flowing sewage in my new basement would have been a major bummer.

"You're boiler functionin' awright? The water didn't get up that high did it?," FEMA Guy #1 asked hopefully.

No FEMA guy. I think it's fine. What I don't think is fine is that you're the first non-family members we've had over the house. Want to stay for lunch? By the way, did you meet any of our neighbors? Are they nice?

What I actually said was, "No, the boiler's fine. I just had to get rid of the floor, some insulation and the sheetrock."

"Well, that's a lot of work right there."

Why yes it is master of the obvious. Does my labor count toward the final tab? If that's the case, I slaved for days on end.


Did they want me to overstate my losses? I guess I'm naive but I just told them what had to be tossed out. I got the impression that if I told them I lost an antique Persian rug worth tens of thousands of dollars they would have bought it. The whole thing seemed ripe for corruption but I'm sure people are always on the up and up when they're in my position.

Turkey Vulture

Turkey Vulture
Originally uploaded by Steve Gilchrist

Is this guy handsome or what? How'd you like to run into one in your backyard? How about two? I took my dog out this morning for his constitutional when I spotted 2 of these sexy beasts up in the trees 20 yards from my house. They unfurled their wings (approx. 7 feet in diameter) and flapped off. I breathed a sigh of relief when they didn't attempt to carry my Labrador off for a light snack. Needless to say, I didn't encounter many of these in my old neighborhood where the houses sat on 1/4 acre lots. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll run into a giant python when I dump the garbage later.

I Blame the NBA

At the risk of sounding like a completely out of touch Dad, what's up with all the tattoos? I saw a Chanel ad in Vanity Fair the other day that pictured an attractive girl with a neck tattoo (I think it's Rhianna but I'm not cool enough to be sure). The last time I checked the only people allowed to have neck tattoos were gang members, Hells Angels and anyone incarcerated. Now it's spread to musicians, Starbucks baristas and every player in the NBA.

It started out so innocently, this slow wave of tat ubiquity. First it was drunk college chicks on spring break getting a cute little dolphin or shamrock on their ankle. "Tee hee, my Mom is gonna kill me. Jen are you gonna get one too?  I will if you will. OK let's totally do it."

Then came the low rise jeans and the annoying butterfly on the small of the back. The proverbial "tramp stamp". I like that term. I think it may have dissuaded some young ladies from taking the plunge into white trashiness.

Let's not forget the guys. When I was in college every jug head athlete went with the barbed wire around the upper bicep. Nice. That's gonna look great when you're flabby and 50 Ace. Or better yet, the Chinese characters on the calf or the back of the arm. It may make me a bad person but every time I see someone who's obviously not Chinese with these things I pray that their tattoo reads "this guy smells like jerky" rather than "The journey is the reward" like he thinks.

My fear is that this trend will continue and my kids will grow up thinking it's no big deal to get some ink. Even worse, if employers start to accept it. At least now you know that you're limiting your job options and parents can use that as an argument.

"Billy, I'm glad you asked me first. You know son, getting a skull and cross bones on your right cheek is going to whittle down your potential employers. If you want to be a sword swallower at the circus I say go ahead. If you're looking for an IT job at IBM I would advise some restraint."

Unless you've killed someone, can sing like Chris Cornell or can dunk like Jordan you must leave the above the shoulder ink alone. We are a nation of laws people. Let's have some decorum.