That Cut Deep

Have you ever had an exchange with a friend that really cut you deep...but in a good way? A way that made you rethink things? Something that struck at the heart of what you've been thinking and feeling but were never able to confront it? I did recently and it went like this:

 My wife and I were sitting around drinking some wine and generally having a wonderful time with our good friends (another couple) who live in town. We got to talking about what we could help each other with. The scene went like this:

Female Friend to My Wife: "I'm OK with Excel but I really need to be able to produce this spreadsheet to help me map out the sequences for the play I'm directing."

My Wife: "Oh my God! I can totally help you with that. I'll make you a deal. I love the way your house is decorated. If you come and help me arrange my furniture I'll help you with spreadsheets."
FF: "Done"

At this point her husband (my friend) interjects: "So Joe, I'm teaching you guitar. What can you teach me?"

This elicited a smart ass remark about teaching him to paint faster (my former profession) but I was left thinking...what do I have to teach? It occurred to me that I had very little to offer him. He speaks Spanish, he plays guitar and despite my bitchy comment he is actually a pretty good house painter.

It occurred to me right then that I want to teach people things. I want to be helpful. Stay tuned to my life...

Growing Up

Today was the first day that I sent both of my children on the bus to school. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. My son is in 4th grade now. Been there done that...right? Wrong.

My daughter got on the bus for her first day of kindergarten today and my stomach just knotted up. As she looked at me through the bus window in the pouring rain (it was in fact pouring...not just hyperbole) I realized something. I realized that life keeps moving. Just yesterday she was born. Today she's in Kindergarten. Tomorrow she's off to college. Time stands still for no man. In my head 1995 was a few days ago. News flash - incorrect! In the words of the great David Byrne: "You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?"

Good question David. I don't have the answer. I don't think anyone does. Anyone who claims to is either delusional or trying to sell you something.

I'm proud of my kids. I'm excited to see them grow. Let's hope I continue to grow along with them...

I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

Today is the first time in my life that I cut my lawn in fear. Every step another bead of sweat formed on my brow. I'm ashamed and my neighbors are probably laughing at me but I didn't think it would be this way. I just couldn't put my body at risk anymore. Today I found out the hard way that my front yard is infested with bees. And not just any bees...I have blood thirsty car-jacking baby-stealing Italian hating  pirate bees. Bees that make a grown man swear and sprint into the house not once but three times. Bees that mess with a man's yard. Now that is just wrong! As a result my front yard now has a Mowhawk. A perfect little strip that I physically couldn't mow today for fear of the aforementioned pirate bees. "What you talkin' about fool?" I'm talkin' about pain Mr. T. Pure unadulterated pain.

Dear bees who stung me through the ankle sock...and in the calf...and in the knee...I'm coming back with poison tomorrow bitches. I've heard that you die after you sting someone but just to be sure I'm coming back with a shock and awe campaign. Like George W I'm gonna smoke you out. There's nowhere to hide. I'm not confusing you with your benign honeybee cousin. Oh the honeybee!  Nature's little helper. Not you you little yellow jacket bastards! You don't pollinate my beautiful flowers. You don't make honey (OK you might, I'm not sure but I'm coming from a place of pain and ignorance). You're pure evil and I will take every measure to bring you to justice. And how dare you mess with a man's lawn! That crap is sacred! You also sting my wonderfully stupid dog. Winston the super Lab. And for that I cannot forgive you. You have hurt myself and my family. Now it's personal.